Almost one year later....

He's someone I didn't plan on ever meeting or being a mother to.  Yet he's here in my life as a new "normal" for the past 12 months.

I was scared of him at first.  He was small, intimidating and very loud.  I'm used to silence.  I'm used to order within my chaos yet here was this little person calling all the shots.

 I gave up very easily in the very beginning.  I wanted no part of mothering.  My body was in pain and my emotions were in overdrive. 

He was not planned. He was a surprise indeed. 

It took me 9 months to calm myself over the notion that I would have a permanent change in my life.

And then it happened.

He came into this world so calmly while an internal storm brewed inside of me...his one and only mother.


I was not suited to be a mom.  This new life deserved someone who could take care of him, love him, not resent him for being young and helpless.  

He deserved someone with a pure heart in the mothering world, not someone who questioned her own sanity to bring a person into her life....a life that was flawed in so many ways.

But he greeted me nonetheless with a faint coo and a smile.  I did not melt.  I did not sigh in wonder.  I did not do any of the cookie cutter Hallmark movie  motions of being a new mother.

Instead I clutched my fists in prayer and pounded my pillows in angst.  What am I going to do?  What am I going to do with a baby?  Why is mothering so easy for some and so foreign to me?  I have the ability to nurture and love....what was my fear?

Where did my freedom go?
Where did my common sense go?
Where did my lightheartedness go?
Where did I go?


The details will come soon enough as to the journey of motherhood that I had to take.  A tumultuous journey at that.  


Yet here I am 12 months later...my heart soars when I see this child.  A light to my irrational darkness, he leads me to beautiful discoveries.  He is like my flashlight into this gray life I sometimes create.

The day that I never thought would come has come.  Today.  Today is the day I realize how much I love my son...nothing special even happened.  It was just a realization that my world is brighter because he is in it.


Ask me 12 months ago if I thought I would say any of this and I would have looked at you as if you had a pipe growing out of your head.  No way would I ever feel better about being a mom....or so I thought.


My prayers have been answered.  My son.  My loving son is teaching me how to take baby steps as a human being.  All he has to do is be my son.


More to come....