6 months Post-Partum - The Good, The Bad, The Survival

Today marks my baby boy's 6 months into this life.

It was 6 months ago that I walked into the hospital in horrible, excited pain.  Glorious pain that I knew would provide a result of a new being that, even at that last moment, wasn't sure I could handle or want.  What a raw statement to type and read over yet it was true. 

That baby deserved better than a crying mess of a mom that I would become.  He deserved a happy Michelle Duggar-esque woman who would embrace motherhood instead of getting physiologically sick from it.

The 9 months that led up to that hospital trip was bumpy to say the least.  I had gone through a nervous breakdown without hospitalization and survived...even managed to thrive through a somewhat miserable, physical pregnancy.

I remember them telling me at the OB/GYN that my nerves and anxiety were all normal and that it was my perception of them that made them SEEM abnormal.  Well....that was all fine and dandy but it didn't take away the fact that I threw up every morning (morning sickness? no!  nerves? yes!), trembled and shook and walked on eggshells waiting for the next panic attack to hit.

What made matters worse, was that the psych I trusted for prior treatment of my nerves and anxiety, played the Save the License game with me....let me explain this one:

ME:  "Doc, I just found out I'm pregnant"
DOC: "You're on 60 mg of Cymbalta for anxiety, OCD, right?"
ME:  "Yes and my anxiety is through the roof right now...."
DOC:  "You need to get off that Cymbalta quick!"
ME:  "Wha?...."
DOC: "Take 1/2 a dose for the next three days and then stop."
ME:  "But that seems rather abrupt in weaning...."
DOC: "Yes, but that Cymbalta can really damage your baby"
ME: "Ummm, ok...."
DOC: "You have to get off of it....You don't know what the effects are to the baby"....

I hung up the phone feeling trepidation and intimidated by what lay ahead.  What followed was 10 weeks of hell - Disassociation & DeRealization Disorder as a result of being taken off of a powerful med so quickly.  I will discuss that pretty picture later.

I sit and type this with the sound of waves crashing against the rocks of the beach and seagulls cawing over the tide.  I wish I could say I was at the seashore but I'm in the next room listening to a white noise machine that is placed on "ocean" setting next to the crib.

He is my Prince Charming - but the storybook fairytale of motherhood is a myth, at least at this stage.  I wanted so much to enjoy being a mom to a little blob of sweet baby-powdered flesh, and at times, I relish and cherish it....but most of the time, it's a struggle to keep my repetitive thoughts of "AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?" at bay....

Happy 1/2 year, baby boy.  I promise your momma will do everything in her power to get well for you and be healthy and happy.  You are my inspiration to grow and thrive.

MOTHERHOOD IS NOT FOR SISSIES!!!!!

.....So here I was pregnant at 38, still struggling with major anxiety and depression issues that plagued me my whole life and I find out that I better get my shit together in the next 6 months.

I did just that.

I went to a new Ob/Gyn practice that wasn't as large as my last one because I feared being just another patient. I mean I wanted SPECIAL TREATMENT because I was a SPECIAL PATIENT. I have ANXIETY!!!! LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!! I HAVE DEPRESSION!!!! IT"S SOOOOO OBVIOUS!!! That's what my thoughts were screaming inside.

I found a counselor who I begged to not treat me like another crazy patient but someone who is at her wits end and trying very hard to grasp the big change about to happen.

By the way, you will notice that I will use the phrase "wits end" a lot in this blog. That's how I felt for a vast majority of the time. Clueless, Bewildered and Fret with Fear.

I am about to take you on a journey of what my life was like pre, during and post pregnancy.
Throughout this blog, you will either understand what I was like because chances are you may be or have gone through similar things or you will just shake your head in bewilderment and say "She's lost...pray for that baby".

Either way, I hope you can gather something from this blog. I'm writing down the bones of what I go and have gone through so that others may not seem so alone.

To be a mom, I learned, is to step outside of yourself for a while and watch life unfurl upon which you created. It is not for the weak of heart, it requires strength and stamina.

To the women out there that make it seem like it's a breeze, hats off to you. You are not who I am. I am the one who will tell you it's hard work and you may not even like it.... and even that's ok. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.

Hang on, the journey is about to begin and I will be the first to say it: "THERE IS NOT STRENGTH, WHERE THERE IS NO STRUGGLE".