In the BEGINNING......

Worry. Nerves. Anxiety. Depression. All those mucky yucky stigmatized phrases that followed me wherever I went like a large monkey on my back. I had them. I shall rephrase: I HAVE THEM.

So when the smallest amount of change comes into my life, woweee kabowee....I'm all raw and messy.

Pregnancy is not a small change. It's not even a big change. It's the epitome and direct definition of "Change."

I still remember how my realization of pregnancy happened. I did the whole wee wee on a stick thing and saw a faint line and thought "NAH".

I mean this was a faint line....you really needed a microscope to see it. The next morning, there it was again...that faint barely there line. "NAH"

Later that day, I bought a different kind of stick. The kind that is state of the art fancy schmancy with it's digital readout. In other words, it was for the
Hooked on Phonics folks that have trouble deciphering faint lines.

This test had a direct term "POSITIVE" or "NEGATIVE" so there wouldn't be any confusion. Those cheeky monkeys over at the Pregnancy Test factory.....they knew there would be women like me who didn't trust her own eyes.

"POSITIVE" with a little "+" sign next to it. What the hell is that supposed to be? "+" what?

So here is how I read the 2 pregnancy sticks:

"OH MY GOD. YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS ABOUT TO TURN UPSIDE DOWN AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE SCREWED BECAUSE YOU CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF LET ALONE A BABY AND OH MY GOD, HOW ARE WE GOING TO AFFORD THIS KID AND OH MY GOD WHY DID I LET HIM KISS ME THAT SATURDAY AFTERNOON WHILE I WAS HOUSECLEANING THE BEDROOM AND OH MY GOD, A BABY....A LITTLE ITTY BITTY BABY WHO IS GOING TO DEPEND ON ME (mild anxiety flutter happens here) AND WHAT WAS I THINKING AND MAYBE I SHOULD BUY ANOTHER KIND OF TEST AND WELL....OH MY GOD."

Yah, God was called upon a lot that day. He was saying "You knew this would happen and you kept saying it was up to me so here I say you are now BABY-FIED. Get ready to get big, busy and bewildered. OH, and I'll be listening for you."

I went ahead and told my husband the next morning while he was still asleep. I went into the bathroom to heave (this was NOT pregnancy related, nope...just nerves). That night, after my husband cried tears of joy all day, I FAINTED. I remember calling his name to come help me.

I was clammy and couldn't 'settle down' with my nerves. The next thing I remember was my husband tapping my cheeks lightly with a cold cloth and cooling me down.

Oh yes, the hormonal emotional mess I was about to become was only exacerbated by the fact that I had suffered from anxiety issues all my life.

"How is this going to affect our relationship? How am I going to afford this child? I will never be able to leave my home ever again. What if.........to be continued"